A New DOPE! A Star Wars/X-men Crossover.
by Wolverana
Summary: Took me no time at all. REad it or DIE. DIE DIE DIE! Ahem. Yeah. But seriously folks, you might find it funny!


I don't own X-men , so piss off and leave me alone!

Star Wars: Return of the Uncanny

(um, yeah, well, just read anyway)

Cast: 

Cyclops: Luke Skywalker

Jean Grey: Princess Leia

Wolverine: Han Solo

Prof. X : Obi Wan Kenobi

Magneto: Grand Mof Tarken

SabreTooth: Darth Vader

Beast: Chewbacca

Toad: Yoda

Caliban: Emperor Palpatine

Jubilee: Wicket the Ewok / Jawa

Gambit: C-3P0

Bobby Drake: R2D2

Mystique: Boba Fett

Colossus: A storm trooper.

****

Help me Obi Wan: Part 1

Gambit: Mon Dieu! We will all die on dis piece of junk!

Bobby: Beep Beep Boop

Gambit: Remy...I mean C3P0...tinks we are being boarded!

Bobby: Beep Boop!

****

The ship is boarded and Darth Vader and many Stormtroopers come on board

SabreTooth: RRRRAAAAAAARRRRRR!

Rebel Pilot: How intelligent...

Sabretooth: GRRRRR. Where are the stolen Weapon X...I mean Death Star Plans...!

Rebel Pilot: How should I know, you're the one with force!

Sabretooth: **crunches rebel pilots neck a bit, then throws him away**

Rebel Pilot: OUCH!

Sabretooth: **Turns to many Colossuses** Search this ship, take no prisoners. RAAAAAAWRRRRRR!

****

Meanwhile, Gambit's lost R2D2

Jean: I'm putting these stolen death star plans..or whatever they are...in here so you can find them. Help me Obi Wan Kenobi. You're my only help

Bobby: Ow, watch where you stick that thing! I mean....Beep Boop.

Gambit: Der you are you rusty piece of poutine! Who are you talking to?

Jean disappears

Gambit: Where are you going? You can't go in der! Dey will melt you down. Get it? MELT you down!

Bobby: Shut the hell up, you Beep Boop!

Gambit: Don't use dat tone of voice with me.

****

BANG

Gambit: What's taking you so long, open de damn ting!

****

Back with Jean

Colossus: There, I see somebody!

Colossus: Set your guns to Stun

Colossus: Copy that!

Colossus: Stop Mutant...I mean...REBEL scum!!

Jean: Why are you talking to yourself.

Colossus: We're not. Now, do you mind, we're trying to have a conversation here!

Jean: But you're supposed to stun me.

Colossus: Says who?

Jean: It's right on the script you Dolt.

Colossus: Oh, right....

Jean: I'm sorry, I can't work under these conditions. Can you please recast the storm troopers?

****

Back at Sabretooth with Jean

Sabretooth: You are a mutant and a traitor!

Jean: So are you...

Sabretooth: **thinks**. You are a REBEL and a traitor!

Jean: I am not.

Sabretooth: but you just said you were.

Colossus: Lord Vader, sir! An escape pod just escaped!

Jean: What was it supposed to do, dance?

Colossus: Definitely no intelligent life!

Jean: Than what are you still doing here?

Sabretooth: Where are the stolen death star plans.

Jean: Up yer ass!

Sabretooth: That's it, I'm taking you to Caliban!

Colossus: Lord Vader Sir? I think you mean Emperor Palpatine!

****

Down on Planet Tatooine

Gambit: 3P0 tinks it is very hot here! My Joints are freezing!

R2D2: At least you can speak English!

****

Remy bobs Bobby on the head

Gambit: Speak right boy!

Bobby: Beep Boop

Gambit: Dat's better!

Bobby: Beep de beep beep BOOP!

Gambit: How rude! I disown you. You walk dat way now. I will walk dis way. And don't let me catch you 

Following me!

****

Later, with Bobby

Bobby: **mechanical whimper** THIS SUCKS. Nobody's around and I have to talk this robot shit. 

Jubilee: **jumps out** U-TEEDEE!

Bobby: what the F***

Jubilee: **shoots bobby with an ion gun** Speak right boy!

Bobby: OUCH! **can't move **Who the hell are you? I mean, boop boop beep!

Jubilee: I'm Wicket the Jawa

Bobby: It's Wicket the Ewok, you moron!

Jubilee: *Shoots bobby again* Speak right Boy!

Bobby: Boop de fuckin Boop!

Jubilee: I'm wicket the Ewok too, but George Lucas and Marvel were to cheap to Hire Rogue too! Now get 

Now get in my Sand Crawler!

****

At the Moisture Farm

Uncle Owen: I need some mutants...I mean droids to work on my farm.

Jubilee: You've come to the right place! **Shows all her droids**

Cyclops: **Points to Remy and winks** I like that one, Uncle Owen!

Gambit: **Whimpers**

Uncle Owen: Shut up, boy. And take those damn sunglasses off. It's not that bright out here!

Cyclops: But Uncle Owen!

Uncle Owen: Shut Up or I'll shut you up! **Walks to Gambit** What do you know about moisture farming

Gambit: nothing

Uncle Owen: Good, We'll take this one!

Jubilee: Excellent choice! He's very good at playing Crazy Eights!

Cyclops: Goody!

Uncle Owen: **back hands Cyclops** Shut up!

Jubilee: May I suggest this one! **Gestures to a ugly red droid**

Uncle Owen: Ok, but only cuz yer cute!

Jubilee: I know

Cyclops: But I want that one! **Points to Bobby**

Gambit: He's stupid

Uncle Owen: We'll take im!

Jubilee: But he's my fuck partner!

Cyclops: EW He's a droid!

Jubilee: And you're a fucking panzy, shades!

*Next Day, trying to find Bobby, who ran away cuz Uncle Owen raped him. 

Cyclops: Look, there he is!

Gambit: Dat's a rock!

Cyclops: no, It's a bird

Gambit: an Air plane

Cyclops:...No, it's a crippled old man in a wheel chair on the sand.

Gambit: Sucks to be him, non?

Prof.X :I found your damn droid. He won't shut up! 

Cyclops: So turn him off.

Prof.X: Hey, you're luke skywaker

Luke: Yeah, so.

Prof. X : A single, schizophrenic Storm Trooper just killed your family.

Cyclops: schizophrenic?

Prof X: HE was talking to himself...

Cyclops: ahhh...

Prof X: by the way, I have something for you.

Cyclops: Goody!

Prof. X: **Hands Cyclops an eyepiece that goes over both of his eyes.**

Cyclops: Was it my fathers?

Prof X: no, your father wasn't as big a panzy as you.

Cyclops: You knew my father?

Prof. X: Yes, and now come with me, we shall conquer the world! SIEG HEIL!!!

****

AT MOS EISELY

Logan: This beer sucks shit!

Beast: Understood

Logan: What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Beast: Just that I agree with you.

Logan: you're supposed to be grunting and shit, not talking English!

Beast: **Sighs** I'm the most intelligent person on this movie and I'm the one who has to grunt!

Logan: Go figure!

****

OUTSIDE

Colossus: Where'd you get these droids old man?

Colossus: You'd better tell us or else!

Prof.X : I fished them out of your toilet!

Colossus: He fished them out of my toilet!

Colossus: Alright, pass on through!

Cyclops: How'd you do that?

Prof. X. None of your god damned business.

****

INSIDE

Bartender: Hey, we don't let none of those Cajun Droids in here!

Cyclops: You'd better wait outside. You go with him R2.

Prof.X: We're going to get a ride off this rock with that guy over there!

Cyclops: He looks mean.

Prof X: He'll steal your girl too!

Cyclops: WHAT?

Logan: Hey dick head!

Cyclops: WHAT?

Beast: Really Han, I think we should minimize conflict here.

Logan: Sorry, what? I can't understand what you're saying? 

Prof. X: We need a ride off this rock!

Logan: I know, you already said that! Right Chewy?

Beast: **sighs** rrrarreeraarr

Cyclops: WHAT?

Logan: It's gonna cost ya, bub. It's gonna cost ya real good!

Prof: X: I'll pay you ten dollars!

Logan: DEAL!

****

ABOARD THE MILLENIUM FALCON

Cyclops: What a piece of junk!

Logan: Hey, this is the Harley Davidson model, so shut your trap, DICK!

Prof.X: As long as it's fast!

Logan: Oh, it's fast

Beast: As fast as my grandmother!

Logan: What did you say, you egg suckin piece o' blue fur!

Beast: Roraroeerororar

Logan: I thought so!

Prof.X: Now, Luke, let us do some trainging with your new eye piece!

Cyclops. Okely Dokely!

Logan: Hokey religions and Ancient Weapons are no match for a good set of claws, dick.

Cyclops: Are too!

Prof.X: What do you mean, Mr. Solo?

Logan: All I need is a good set of adamantium claws.

****

SNIKT

Cyclops: JEBUS!

Bobby: Hey, I saw that Simpsons!

****

logan bops Bobby on the head

Logan: Speak Right, Boy!

Beast: Roroeirerrosroar

Gambit: Remy suggest a new strategy.

Bobby: Oh, and what's that?

Prof.X: **Bops bobby on the head** SPEAK RIGHT BOY!

Gambit: Let the blue scientist win!

Logan: Yeah, Hank....I mean Chewy... has been known to rip the arm outta peoples sockets when he loses.

Beast: I HAVE NOT!

Logan: WHAT? WHAT DID YOU SAY? I CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOU!

Bobby: I have no arms. I'm R2D2

Gambit, Logan/ProfX/Cyclops: SPEAK RIGHT BOY!

Bobby: Boop boop beep. 

Prof. X: Whoa, I just felt psychadelic!

Cyclops: Ben, you shouldn't do drugs!

Logan: Shut up you dick head! He isn't on drugs, Alderaan just blew up!

Cyclops: How do you know?

Logan: Cuz we've all seen this movie you moron!

Gambit: What's dat?

Logan: Looks like a moon.

Bobby: That ain't no moon!

Beast: SPEAK RIGHT BOY!

Beast: That isn't a moon!

Logan: WHAT? I CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOU!

Prof.X: It's a space station. I hope they serve Mickey D's!

****

ON THE DEATH STAR

Magneto: Ahhh, Princess Leia, how good of you to show up. Perhaps you would like to tell me where the 

X-mansion is?

Jean: You idiot! You know where the X-mansion is!

Magneto: Then tell me where the Rebel base is!

Jean: Ontario. The rebel Base is Mike Harris's house! You had better blow it up soon!

Sabretooth: Bull shit! Mikey is a good friend of mine! We planned education and health cuts together!

Magneto: Then where is it Princess! Don't make me blow up your home planet!

Jean: Go ahead. See what I care.

****

BANG 

Jean: OH MY GOD! YOU KILLED KENNY!

Magneto: What?

Jean: nothing. Really, I don't care. I hated everybody there anyway.

Magneto: EXECUTE HER!

Darth Vader: AS you wish. ROAR!

****

ON THE MILLENIUM FALCON

Logan: We're caught in the tractor beam

Prof.X: Does this mean there's no Mickey D's?

Gambit: You de psychic!

Cyclops: Well, can't you just turn it around

Logan: Do you have shit for brains?

Gambit: Don't answer dat!

Prof.X: This thing is HUGE.

Gambit: **looking at Cyclops** unlike someting, non?

Beast: This is an Imperial Space station!

Bobby: No shit sherlock!

Gambit: Speak right Boy! 

Prof.X: Horror movies start off this way.

Logan: Porno movies start off this way!

****

the Millennium Falcon lands inside the space station

Cyclops: Let's hide!

Logan: First intelligent thing that's come outta you're mouth!

Colossus: What a piece of junk!

Colossus: It looks like the Harley Davidson model!

Colossus: This piece of junk hardly does Harley justice.

Colossus: Send a search party in!

Colossus: AYE AYE!

****

Scanning crew comes, boards the Falcon

BUMP THUMP

Scan dood: Um, can someone give us a hand up here?

Colossus: You go, you more qualified

Colossus: but my feet hurt!

Colossus: so, my hand hurts!

Colossus: You go.

Colossus: NO, YOU GO!

Scan dood: NOW

Colossus: Let's go together!

Colossus: OK!

****

they walk into the Millenium Falcon

BANG

Cyclops: What are you doing? You'll have the whole bloody station on us in a second!

Logan: I know what I'm doing!

****

Logan and Cyclops emerge from the Millenium Falcon wearing Storm Trooper stuff.

Cyclops: It stinks in here!

Logan: It's just your breath blowing back in your face

Prof.X: Can we come out now?

Logan: You're the psychic!

Gambit: Remy don't like dis one bit!

Bobby: You're name ain't Remy!

Gambit: SPEAK RIGHT BOY!

Logan: Shut up, you ugly tubba bolts!

Beast: Really Han!!

Logan: WHAT?

****

They make their way to a small control room

Logan: Ok, now what do we do?

Prof.X: I'll go shut down the tracter beam.

Logan: How, you're in a wheel chair?

Prof.X: You have an atrocious social behaviour!

Logan: thanks Chuck!

Prof.X: It's Obi Wan Kenobi to you!

Logan. Whatever. **lights a cigar**

Cyclops: What are you doing? That isn't in the script!

Logan: What, you wanna bitch stick?

Beast: I say we go save the princess?

Logan: WHAT?

Cyclops: How do you know the princess is here?

Beast: I saw the movie!

Logan: WHAT?

Cyclops: Then I'm gonna save her, and we're going to get married.

Logan: **smirks** Sorry, bub, but when she gets a sight of your small dick, she's gonna come running to me.

Cyclops: and yours is soooooooo much bigger!

Gambit: I'll put my money on it!

Cyclops: you're a droid, you have no money!

Prof.X: Alright! I'll go shut the tractor beam down, Luke, you and Han put some cuffs on Chewbacca and 

Pretend you are taking him to the detention area. The princess should be there.

Cyclops: Why do I have to go with him?

Logan: Cuz you'll die if you don't.......Yeah, why don;t we just let him go by himself?

****

IN THE DETENTION CENTRE

Cyclops: This sucks. The place is guarded, and we'll never find her. 

Logan: How bout you stay out here, and I'll do all the work.

Cyclops: and let you get the girl, I don't think so!

Logan: as if you would anyway!

Colossus: What are you doing here?

Logan: **releases Beast's cuffs **LOOK OUT HE'S LOOSE!

Colossus: KILL THE BEAST!

Cyclops: WE'RE SAVAGES, SAVAGES, BARELY EVEN HUMAN!

Logan: that's Pocahontas, bub!

Colossus: Yeah, I was singing Beauty and Beast!

Beast: Yes, well, this is STAR WARS you ignoramuses!

****

POW, BANG, THUMP, BUMP, CRACK, CRASH

Logan: GIVE IT TO ME BABY, UH HUH UH HUH!

Cyclops: UNE DUS TRES QUATRE CINKO CINKO SAIS!

Beast: Now that everybody is dead, how about we get the Princess

Logan: AND ALL THE GIRLIES SAY I'M PRETTY FLY 

Cyclops: FOR A WHITE GUY!

Jean: HEY YOU MORONS! HOW ABOUT SAVING ME?

****

They save Jean

Logan: uh oh. They got back up on the way!

Colossus: FREEZE REBEL SCUM!

Jean: he got it right this time!

****

POW

Jean: Alright! Down the hole!

Logan: But that leads to the trash compactor!

Jean: SO, YOU EITHER STINK OR YOU DIE! YOU CHOOSE!

Logan: Alright, Jeannie, relax!

Cyclops: WHAT DID YOU CALL HER.

Jean: look just go down the hole!

****

IN THE TRASH COMPACTOR

Logan: Wow, it's stinks. 

Jean: At lease you're not dead.

Logan: that would break your heart, wouldn't it sister!

Cyclops: Hey, something just grabbed my foot. 

Logan: Good, maybe it will kill you.

****

SPLASH

Jean: LUKE LUKE!, WHERE ARE YOU.

Logan: Don't worry about it, Darl'n, I'm all that matters.

Jean: I'm trying to follow the script, in case you didn't notice.

Logan: Who needs a script when you've got me?

Beast: LUKE!

Logan: WHAT?

Cyclops: **Covered in Shit** OH MY GOD, It...it just disappeared.

****

CREEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAK

Logan: What the hell was that

Jean: You've never seen this movie, have you.

Logan: Look, your highness-ness–

Beast: Um...We're all going to be turned into pancakes in a minute

Logan: WHAT?

Cyclops: 3PO? 3PO? DO YOU READ ME?

****

Back in the little control room

Gambit: Remy need a drink...

Bobby: You're name ain't Remy!

Gambit: SPEAK RIGHT BOY!

Bobby: BOOP BEEP!

Gambit: Why would I want to shut down de trash compactors?

****

BACK IN THE SHIT BOX

Logan: he can't satisfy you with his little worm

Beast: Logan, we don't have time for this!

Logan: But I can pump you out with my super sperm!

Jean: Whatever!

Cyclops: 3PO! COME IN 3PO!

Gambit: OK OK, I'll DO IT!

****

CREEEEAAAAAK

Beast: We're alive!

Logan: What an observation!

****

AT THE TRACTOR BEAM SITE

Prof.X: I'll just pull this and push this..

****

BANG

Prof.X: oops!

****

BACK WITH THE GANG

Logan: Let's run this way

Colossus: FREEZE!

****

BANG

Colossus: Ouch....

Cyclops: he just shot himself....

****

ON THE MAIN DECK

Darth Vader: I feel a presence

Magneto: Yeah, me too, and it's yours. Now get lost!

Darth Vader: One I haven't felt in a long time....

****

BACK WITH THE GANG

Cyclops: Let's split up, I'll take Leia, Han, you take Chewie

Logan: Like hell I will!

****

POW

Cyclops: Ok, I'll take Chewie!

Beast: this way. 

****

Cyclops and Beast get to a dead end, and they have to get across the big gap somehow. Cyclops take out a long cord, swings and then makes sure it's secure. Beast jumps into his arms, then kisses him on the cheek

Beast: For good luck!

****

The two swing across, but Beast is too heavy and the cord snaps.

Beast and Cyclops: AAAAAHHHHHHHHH

****

BACK WITH LOGAN AND LEIA

Logan: I've got a bad feeling about this...

Jean: It's about time you said that!

Colossus: Alright, it's time for you dweebs to give up. I'm growing tired here.

Logan: look Bub! There ain't no way your more tired that I am

****

POW

Logan grabs Jean's arm and they run for the Falcon

Logan: I sure hope Chuck got that tractor beam down...

Jean: Who's Chuck?

Logan: Cute, sister, really cute!

Jean: You came in that hunk of Junk! Hey! Is that the Harley Davidson model?

Logan: Damn Straight!

Jean: You're braver than I thought!

****

BACK WITH CYCLOPS AND BEAST

Cyclops: Ouch

Beast: What do you mean, you're the one who landed on top of me!

Cyclops: Where are we?

Beast: where we started. Look, there's Han and Leia!

Cyclops: and the hunk of junk

Beast: Hey, I'm co-pilot on that thing.

Cyclops: Sorry. Hey, there's Ben!

Beast: AND THERE'S SABRETOOTH!.... I mean Darth Vader!

****

SABRETOOTH AND PROFESSOR X

Sabretooth: The circle is now complete. When I left, I was but the learner. Now I am the Master!

Prof.X: That's pretty impressive. I didn't think you capable of memorizing a line that long!

SabreTooth: Draw your weapon you old fart!

ProfX: You can't win, Darth. If you strike me down I shall become more powerful than you can possibly 

Imagine!

****

Professor X touches his temples with his hands and sends pretty pictures to Sabretooth's mind

Sabretooth: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH **Claws Xavier across the chest and Xavier falls**

Cyclops: BEN, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Colossus: FREEZE REBEL SCUM!

Prof.X: I'm not really dead you idiot. Get to the ship and blast off!

Colossus: I SAID FREEZE!

Logan: You heard Chuck, let's go dick head!

****

ON YAVIN 4

Rebel guy: It's real easy. As you can see from these stolen Weapon X..er...I mean death star plans, you just 

Fire some torpedoes in here and KAAAAABOOOOOOOM. Bye bye birdie. Got it?

Cyclops: oooo, oooo, Question!

Rebel guy: What is it Skywalker!

Cyclops: what is we have to go to the bathroom?

****

Rebel guy draws and gun and shoots Cyclops between the eyes

Rebel Guy: He's stupider than my droid!

****

CHEERING

Jean: So, Han, are you going to help us destroy the death star?

Logan: will you sleep with me?

Jean: no

Logan: then sorry, darl'n, I've got some debts to pay off. Jabba's`gonna get pretty pissed off at me!

Jean: You don't mean that. You're not that shallow.

Logan: You're right. I'd give you the moon even if you spat in my face. I'll suit up!

Jean: I knew I could count on you!

****

THE ATTACK ON THE DEATH STAR

Logan: Ok Hank, I guess we can quit this star wars mumbo jumbo. Let just blow up this bitch.

Beast: Understood.

Wedge Antilles: Millennium Falcon, are you ready to go?

Logan: I was born ready!

Wedge Antilles: LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLE!

Beast: Impressive!

****

IN THE DEATH STAR

Magneto: Evacuate? In our moment of Triumph? I think you overestimate their chances!

Imperial Officer: Sir, half of the Death star is gone, and Darth Vader has left!

Magneto: Why you cowardly little mutant! JUDO CHOP!

Imperial Officer: that's not in the script!

Magneto: Screw the script! BLOW THAT BLOODY YAVIN MOON UP!

****

BACK WITH LOGAN

Logan: Alright! Let's go in!

Beast: For the love of Jebus, watch out for that ion canon!

Logan: I'm watching!

Beast: You're glad Luke's dead aren't you!

Logan: Of course. What kind of stupid question is that! 

Cyclops: **Over the radio** I'm not dead. Now cover me!

Logan: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Beast: just cover him.

Voice of Prof.X: LUKE, USE THE FORCE!

Cyclops: Force? What force? You never told me anything about a force.

Logan: We'll just get Beast to fart and we'll end it all.

Beast: Not funny!

Prof.X: look you little punk ass, just use the damn eye piece I gave you!

Cyclops: Alright already!

Prof.X: Let go....Trust me...

Logan: that is obviously part of the script.

Prof.X: you are not supposed to hear this.

Logan: THEN GET OFF THE FUCKING RADIO!

Cyclops: Am I clear Han?

Logan: **Spotting Darth Vader's TIE fighter coming in for the kill, he smiles evily** You're all clear kid.

Now let's blow this thing and go home!

Cyclops: Ok, I released them. They're going inAAHAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Logan: Vader=1, Dickhead=0

Beast: Let's get out of here before it blows!

Logan: Of course!

****

They fly away, Logan snickering at the frozen carcass of cyclops floating in space.

KAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

Logan: that was the best damn show of fireworks I've ever seen!

Beast: Affrimative

****

BACK ON YAVIN 4

award ceremony

Login and Beast walk up the long aisle, where Jean is waiting to present them with medals.

everyone claps

BANG

Cyclops: Wait! I'm here! 

Logan: What the Fuck?

Beast: Jebus!

Jean: Oh thank GOD! I thought you were dead.

Logan: **a frown on his face** so did I 

Cyclops: I destroyed the death star. I am the king of the world!

Logan: More like the dick of the world!

Beast: Logan...

Jean: Here, you can have Logan's medal!

Logan: What!

****

SNIKT

Logan: I earned that thing!

Cyclops: Not as much as me!

Logan: why you panzy assed Zombie!

****

BANG

colossus enters 

Colossus: FREEZE REBEL SCUM!

The end..... I know, it's kinda way out there, but you had better review. I will be writing the other two episodes later!

****

SNIKT


End file.
